in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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