saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize