i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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