I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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