Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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