I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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