remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
