He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
