I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
