I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
