So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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