She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
