Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
