I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
