I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
