I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
