Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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