you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
