I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize