I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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