The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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