This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
