That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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