I got chris browned last night
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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