I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
