My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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