Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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