I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I didn't notice because vodka
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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