It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
