I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
