He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize