oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
