Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
