Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
