So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
