Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
