If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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