the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
