seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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