um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
