I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
