I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
