Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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