I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
