I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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