Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
