So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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