Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
