I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
A bitchslap is in order.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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