My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
