The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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