He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
