every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
