apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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