"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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