im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
