There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
