What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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