sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
