yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
