i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
