Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
