2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
