Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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