My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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