i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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