I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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